Online Nikkah

I’m getting married *screams* : aa
Abdul: wa
I’m getting married *screams* : what’s going on?
Abdul: nothing much.
I’m getting married *screams* : did u get any word on the banquet hall?
Abdul: ugh
Abdul: i tried everywhere ayesha and every place was so expensive
I’m getting married *screams* : OMG!!!
I’m getting married *screams* : abdul!!
Abdul: 
I’m getting married *screams* : do you know much it sucks to wait! we’ve been waiting to get this nikkah done for months!
Abdul: sorry 
I’m getting married *screams* : omg this is retarted
Abdul: *retarded
I’m getting married *screams* : shut upp
Abdul: are you mad at me?
I’m getting married *screams* : maybe 
Abdul: Well I have an idea (i)
I’m getting married *screams* : oh this will be good 
Abdul: we can have an online nikkah
I’m getting married *screams* : a what?!
Abdul: yeah! it should be easy to do. i think everyone we need is online right now. let’s get it done!
I’m getting married *screams* : oh wow
Abdul: come on, i’m sinning right now just typing to you. let’s nikkah this thing asap!
I’m getting married *screams* : arright arright lemme call my abbu and tell him the story… that u r being stingy and don’t want to book a banquet hall and just want to do it online  lolzz
Abdul: lol
I’m getting married *screams* : brb
Abdul: k I’m getting married *screams* : omg my dad agrees haha
Abdul: hahah i knew it. we’re sooo stereotypical memons eh
I’m getting married *screams* : yeah lolz
I’m getting married *screams* : ok now what
Abdul: well i jsut explained to imam saab our ordeal. he has agreed to perform the nikkah
Abdul: *just
I’m getting married *screams* : phew

The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug”  has been added to the conversation.

Abdul: Salam Imam.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : wut da
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : hu added me?!1
Abdul: Imam it was me. i talked to you about it in the other window remember?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : oh yeah
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : do u no da hole ish?
Abdul: sorry?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : fiqh man
I’m getting married *screams* : imam i dont think u should substtute that as a curse word 
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : wha?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : LOL
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : no no i meant the fiqh of a nikkah.
Abdul: oh
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : hah yeah my bad.
Abdul: hmmm i know the basics.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : no worries ill talk u threw it k?
Abdul: k
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : first thing iz we need yo hunny bunny 2 leave da chat window
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : then we be needin her pops yknow wha im sayin?
Abdul: so she has to leave and bring her dad in?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : str8 up
Abdul: ok you got that ayesha? stay online but leave the window. and tell your dad to get online. i think he’s on my list for some reason.
I’m getting married *screams* : lolz my dad? he doesnt use msn 2 much. arright ill let him know.

I’m getting married *screams*  has left the conversation.

The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : so where’d u 2 meet?
Abdul: oh u know. she liked to view my naseeb journal and i liked her profile. a few salams and some private messages later it turned into a full blown  fest on MSN
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : aww man astagfirullah
Abdul: I know. thats why we’re doing this nikkah.
Abdul: nice her dad is on

dr. khan (phd) has been added to the conversation.

Abdul: salams uncle
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : 
dr. khan (phd): haalo?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : duz da pops no da dillio?
dr. khan (phd): ajeeb
Abdul: hahah uncle i invited you in… you have to be part of the nikah.
Abdul: basically you are speaking on behalf of Ayesha
Abdul: you there uncle?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : damn dis nigga types slow. itz been saying “dr. khan (phd) is typing a message” for ages.
dr. khan (phd): Yes I Am Here.
dr. khan (phd): Please Hurry.
dr. khan (phd): Chai Is Almost Ready.
Abdul: lol
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : LOL wut a playa
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : anyhoo letz git dis sho on da road
Abdul: okay.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : arright first ting … u 2 mofos agreed to get hitch’d yeh? none of dis wuz forced?
Abdul: yeah… it was all us.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : aight … u have seen her b4 yeh? its good to no what she lookz like
Abdul: yeah she sent me a pic of her
dr. khan (phd): Ahh??
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : UH OH … busted! lol
Abdul: no no she had hijab on its all good.
dr. khan (phd): 
Abdul: heh.
Abdul: yeah.
Abdul: hey imam you there?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : a/s/l?
Abdul: WHAT?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : oh sorry man rong window lol
Abdul: imam! hahah. i thought you were married!
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : I am. slots #2, #3, #4 still open 
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : heh just remember u 2 dawgs arent like hitched yet aight. dont get hanky panky yet till we r done aight?
Abdul:  k
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : aight aight. we need 2 witnesses. 1 dawg & 2 dawgettes or 2 dawgs. either way man.
Abdul: I got two guys that aren’t doing anything. They’ve already changed their screen name so they’re all set.

Witness #1 has been added to the conversation.
witness #2 has been added to the conversation.

Abdul: sup gentlemen
witness #2: awwww man i didn’t know his name would be capitalized.
Witness #1: Waita go idiot.
witness #2: stfu
Abdul: Guys! we have an imam present! and an uncle!
Witness #1: oh sorry.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : no worries dawg. inshallah that wont happen again ya hear?
Witness #1: 
dr. khan (phd): Be Right Back. I’m getting my chai.
witness #2: WTF? the uncle is getting tea now!?
Abdul: well we can’t really do anything until he gets back.
witness #2: dude omg omg. i got an exam tomorrow. WHO THE HELL DOES A NIKKAH ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT?
Abdul: listen man you two were the only people on my list that were online so i asked you two to be the witnesses okay?
Witness #1: pipe down witness #2.
witness #2: i swear if i fail orgo tomorrow then your marriage will officially suck.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : yo dawg chill
dr. khan (phd): I am back. Let’s begin.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : aight aight. we gotz da wallee in the hizouse.
witness #2: what is that
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : a walee is like the wife’s dawg y’know? a guardian.
witness #2: oh
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : next up is two witnesses.
Witness #1: yeah i’m here.
witness #2: same
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : i take it u both are dawgs
Witness #1: as opposed to?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : dawgettes.
Witness #1: ummm yeah i’m male.
witness #2: ^ you sure fooled me.
Abdul: lol
witness #2: lol
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : LOL OWNED
Witness #1: 
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : aight aight. yo dr.k u dere?
dr. khan (phd): Yes I Am Here.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : dawg u type funnie man.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : Abdullizo u gave yo hunny bunny the dowry right
Abdul: ummm i gave her some 
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : good enuf. wut was da amount
Abdul: i basically just pasted  786 times in her window.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : lol dude that 786 ting is wacked
Witness #1: yeah but it’s easy to hack into any paki’s e-mail account. there’s always a 786 in there somewhere.
witness #2: hey! it was you!
Abdul: shut up guys i’m trying to get married
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : ok dr.k.
dr. khan (phd): Yes?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : i need u to repeat this: “I, the brider’s father and guardian, grant permission for ______ to marry my daughter ______ for the sake of Allah (SWT) for 786  in front of these two dawgs.”
dr. khan (phd): I Have To Write This Whole Thing Out?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : naw dawg. just copy paste it.
dr. khan (phd): “I, the brider’s father and guardian, grant permission for ______ to marry my daughter ______ for the sake of Allah (SWT) for 786  in front of these two dawgs.”
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : naw dawg naw
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : u gotta fill in da blanks with bride and grooms name k

dr. khan (phd): OK
dr. khan (phd): “I, the brider’s father and guardian, grant permission for Ayesha Khan to marry my daughter Abdul for the sake of Allah (SWT) for 786  in front of these two dawgs.”
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : close. u just got it backwards lol.
dr. khan (phd): lol
dr. khan (phd): “I, the brider’s father and guardian, grant permission for Abdul to marry my daughter Ayesha Khan for the sake of Allah (SWT) for 786  in front of these two kutai.”
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : bam. str8 up gold
Abdul: now what?
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : well itz da sunnah to da a khutbah but i cant do 1 right now
witness #2: good I gotta study
Witness #1: Shut up witness #2.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : so we just cut to me askin yo suga muffin if she accepts aight
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : k abdul. get outta here so we can invite her.
Abdul: arright.

Abdul has left the conversation.
I’m getting married *screams*  has been added to the conversation.

The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : yo sup ayesha
I’m getting married *screams* : sup
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : k we need yo permission to be da wife of the Abdullizo.
I’m getting married *screams* : lol 
witness #2: what does that mean????
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : good enuf
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : now ged outta here so we can finis dis shiz

I’m getting married *screams*  has left the conversation.
Abdul has been added to the conversation.

Abdul: what happened?
witness #2: she said no.
Abdul: !! 
witness #2: jokes
Witness #1: lol
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : LOL
dr. khan (phd): hahaha
Abdul: ugh
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : k now 4 da grand finale

The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug”  has left the conversation.

Abdul: what the hell!?
witness #2: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Witness #1: best wedding ever.

The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug”  has been added to the conversation.

The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : sorry dawgs. got d/c
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : abdullizo, do u accept Ayesha Khan as u r wife for 786 blings?
Abdul: I accept.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : more.
Abdul: errr… I accept Ayesha as my wife.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : bam. str8 up gold.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : did da uncle n witnesses c it?
dr. khan (phd): Yes I did.
Witness #1: 
witness #2: 
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : k u n ayesha r officially married.
Abdul: yes!

I’m getting married *screams*  has been added to the conversation.

Abdul: hey Ayesha. change your screen-name! we did it!
I GOT married *screams* : lol 
witness #2: finally. congrats.  i’m out. ws

witness #2 has left the conversation.

Witness #1: congrats. 
Witness #1: may Allah (SWT) bless your marriage.

Witness #1 has left the conversation.

The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : waita go playa.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : now to show da otha window sum love  ws
Abdul: Jazakallah Imam.
The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug” : np

The Imam –  “Baby Cause I’ma Thug”  has left the conversation.

Abdul: alone! finally!
I GOT married *screams* : not quite.
dr. khan (phd): Ayesha:
I GOT married *screams* : yes abbu?
dr. khan (phd): Congratulations. I love you. Once you are done with this chat please come downstairs to clean the kitchen. Khudahafiz.

dr. khan (phd) has left the conversation.

I GOT married *screams* : lol he could have just shouted. i’m only a floor above him.
Abdul: so now what?
I GOT married *screams* : oh …  you know 

Written by: Hamzah Moin